Still Waiting

Thursday, December 09, 2004

My Grandfather Passed Away Today.

i'll never forget this day. it was a very normal morning. went to jog. and then went for work. and finally the ruan final rehearsal for thursday's competition.

i was complaining all the way about the practice, having to take time off and wasting time there listening to her scold the ruan members. i was really angry when she says i'm not to go for the graduation ceremony tomorrow. and when she says that we're practising till 10am. It was around 9 pm already.then my phone rang. it was my mother on the other line.

she told me the news.

i hang up n went back to the room full of tears. informed them that i cannot make it tomorrow for the competition and i went home straight away. crying all the way home.

the last time i saw him was in june 2004. he was in hospital because he agreed to the operation, after 3 years, for his heart disease. it wasnt an easy decision. it was tough. because he may lose his life any minute, which means losing us. he was a heavy smoker. he drank. and many og his major arteries was blocked. he was given an injection in his thighs in june. and then he couldn't walk properly. he always needed help. still remember, the first time i visited him in the hospital, my mum stayed overnight to accompany him. and then night fell. i couldn't bear to leave the hospital. my grandad says:" why? cant bear to leave your mum?" i wanted to say no. the one i couldnt bear to leave is u. but i just smiled and didnt say anything.

i packed my clothes and everything quickly into a bag. my family and i was going back to malaysia tonight. suddenly i wished that nothing had happened, i wished that i was still complaining about having to miss the graduation ceremony. i wished that i was awaiting tomorrow's competition. i wished that i was still in singapore, hoping that i can make it for the barbecue tomorrow. i wished i was still feeling angry with ms ding and not sad about my grandfather, but i was heading towards malaysia. towards my grandma's house. towards a funeral. that was the truth.

the first day i arrived in malaysia june 2004. i was having breakfast with my cousins and aunts. i saw my grandfather sitting alone in a corner of the market,smoking. i went to sit down beside him. i didn't speak much. but i just hoped he knew how much i miss him these few months. i wished i could hug him and say i've always loved you. but i did not dare. so i kept quiet until he walked away with his friends.

i knew he felt bad when he had to rely on walking stick to move around after the injection. i felt bad too and i don't know why. i wished he knew that someone was feeling the same way he does and hope that he will recover soon, and bring her for a ride on the bike. it was always so heart wrenching to see him sitting alone in his favourite armchair, looking around and keeping silent.

he's gone. i've lost him and i will never get the chance to make sure he can hear wad i want to say to him. i love you granddad.

i missed him. i wished it was all a bad dream. i wanna hug him.

the journey back to malaysia was not that bad. my sisters and uncles was joking and at least some laughter was present.

near daybreak(9/12/04), we were reaching jerlun, my grandma's house. i almost couldn't believe we were approaching my grandfather's body. i want to be back in singapore. when i saw the sign that indicates we're at the "door" of the small town, my stomach gave an awful twist.in less than one minute, i'll be at my grandma house's doorstep. by then, i'll have no choice but to believe, that the one lying the coffin is my grandfather.

i'm now in the house. i couldnt cry anymore, perhaps i've been crying too hard last night.

lying in the coffin was my grandfather, his skin yellow and saggy. so different from the man i sw in june. he used to be tanned and his face was weather-beaten because he worked in a plantation and his radiant glow was now missing. i walked away. i couldnt watch anymore.

coincidental enough, i was just reading a book named " the five people you meet in heaven."nice book really. it tells u about life after death, what u do in heaven and wad is heaven. in this book, heaven is described as a place where u understand what ur life is on the earth and this is very meaningful. though i dun think this is true, but i still believe in it. i'm sure my grandfather will be in heaven meeting one of the five people in heaven and understanding his own life one earth. when he has finished meeting the five people, he'll be in his own heaven. i hope i'm in his piece of heaven. i wished u did. i love u granddad.

goodnite.

-when are you coming back? ;